#169 Boys Struggling to be Boys
If you are anything like me, you now think far more about what it means to be a man.
Fifteen years ago, the saying, ‘boys will be boys’ frightened me – it still does. The saying was employed in a way that was not about climbing trees, or ruling the neighborhood on your BMX; rather, it was a justification for hard-drinking and womanising and belting the living suitcases out of each other when fueled by alcohol. It was at the pub, or on a sporting field where tightly enclosed groups of blokes developed aggressiveness far beyond ‘white-line fever’.
When I spoke up about this, arguing against the timeworn justification, I was often met, ironically, with anger and sighs of frustration as my view was considered destructive to the confidence of males and the reason why we were having so many problems with discipline in our schools and communities…
For those of us with sons, we are now helping them navigate a society that is much different to the turn of the century. In many ways they are also teaching us and their understanding and acceptance of difference, often free of unconscious bias, is refreshing and insightful.
In public life, not so long ago, during an emergency management meeting, I witnessed a female premier being placed at the back of the room where a male would never have been relegated.
We all noticed, and some went to great lengths to point out, the huge inconsistencies that occurred in Julia Gillard’s time as the nation’s first female Prime Minister. And when we did it was often met with criticism about her appearance, her accent, and speech, as much as it was an objective view of her performance.
In the last two weeks of Federal Parliament, it appears that we have not learned very much. On the same day a report was released about outrageously poor and criminal behaviour inside the walls of power, politicians responded with ‘dog barks’ when a female senator was speaking and then stand over tactics were used against another to encourage compliance.
The ‘Jenkins Report’, titled Set the Standard and prepared by Sex Discrimination Commissioner Kate Jenkins, revealed systemic sexual harassment, and bullying in the workplace at Canberra’s Parliament House.
Ms Jenkins, after speaking to more than 1750 individuals and organisations, handed the report to the Prime Minister who released the findings on November 30th.
The use of non-disclosure agreements where victims sign away their rights often in exchange for financial settlement was one of the most damning findings – acknowledging the serious imbalance in power between Commonwealth employees. Further, the imbalance between elected members, ministers and their advisors, and senior government officials who preyed on fellow employees has driven a community discussion about consent.
A ‘boys club’ was also identified in the report with unsolicited text messages suggesting another drink, a common yet unwanted interaction because of male group think.
As reported in the West Australian, “Ms Jenkins made 28 recommendations including introducing new codes of conducts on sexual misconduct, bullying and discrimination for MPs and employees, setting up new independent watchdogs to police them and reforming workplace conditions — including the oversight of far-reaching powers of MPs to dismiss employees for reasons such as “loss of trust”.”
The question must be asked, are men struggling to be men. If you, like me, are now wondering if that is even the right question, then, let’s be honest, we have a bit of work to do.
The #MeToo movement began in 2018 following the criminal behaviour including rape perpetrated by film producer, Harvey Weinstein amongst many, many others, has driven a change in the attitudes of men whose interactions with colleagues are under scrutiny and question. Further and thankfully, empowered women bravely sharing their experiences and the community listening in response, has driven change, albeit very slowly.
If boys are struggling to be boys, then what are we doing in response and what do we need to learn.
Not so long ago and pre covid, I would plant a kiss on the cheek of a female acquaintance as a greeting. It was friendly and cordial. That is no longer my approach.
Not so long ago, I would have told you that I listened carefully to all colleagues and did not interrupt them when they were speaking. On reflection that is not entirely true. Actively listening and encouraging others less likely to contribute to a group setting is now front of mind. It is not what you think you do, rather, it is about your actions.
Not so long ago I would have offered my hand to a man but not the partner. Reflecting, I shake my head.
Men can still be men and men can still be gentlemen. We just should pay an equal level of respect to all. Men can still have mates and men can still enjoy the company of men, that is not in question, but your behaviour in those settings is.
Interactions must be about respect and our female colleagues and friends will react negativity should these relationships not be underpinned by a level of trust where decent things are said to decent people by decent humans.