There is no I in Team(s)
Readers - there is a relatively new way of working that has become the norm.
There are words for this type of behaviour - Zoom and Teams. Before COVID we used phones on speaker or Facetime to cater for our distant colleagues. Not anymore.
The saying goes "there is no I in Team(s)", but there is certainly one in Microsoft!
And Zoom Zoom Zoom is no longer a chant for encouraging toddlers to play with Matchbox cars nor the slogan that once reminded you to purchase a Mazda.
Online meetings are now as commonplace as instant coffee in staff rooms.
Nonetheless, with online meetings becoming commonplace it should also lead to less paper.
Less need for agendas and minutes and action sheets to be printed in hardcopy.
We have been promised a paperless society for years, but it is rarely the case.
Trying to minimise a document or open it in Office format or heaven forbid share your screen all whilst maintaining your visibility of participants online can be absolute torture. And when you wish to speak the feedback arrives faster than the finish line in a Usain Bolt 100-metre dash: "You are on mute!" they exclaim just before a mouse click brings you back to life.
Meanwhile, the chorus of chants bringing attention to your mistake leaves you searching your brain, which colleagues now think is tiny, trying to remember what you were going to say. However dear readers, with this new fandangoed way of working there are several tips I wish to share with you:
When working from home yet having to greet a tradesperson at the front door, remember to turn off the video and mute sound. Having to explain to workmates about pathetic home handyman failures is not cool.
Choosing your cup or mug for hot drinks during an online meeting should be a careful choice. 'President of the Grumpy &%$#@!'* Club' is not OK for more formal meetings nor is 'Don't make me use my teacher's voice' if you are trying to build collegiality during a culture workshop.
For me, it is about business up top but causal below. A sports jacket with the track pants popped on for a lunchtime workout is fine. You can even mix and match sneakers with a suit jacket, floral tie and pocket square. But, as always, remember to turn off the camera and mute sound should you be required to up-seat to attend to other important matters.
To text your partner who is questioning whether you will be home to accept an online shopping purchase that must be signed for, hold your phone below your camera whilst maintaining eye contact like a seasoned AFL goal umpire.
And should a social media notification catch your eye even though your phone is set to silent, resist the urge to check it straight away. Maintain your composure and decorum and have a sneaky look a little later to exemplify class.
If you write for this newspaper or are a creative type, ensure you have a journal, a scrap of paper, or even a serviette will do to write down ideas when the meeting has lost you.
With your sound on mute emails can be attended to, resulting in a quick getaway once the meeting has concluded. Look up when typing ... that is why you learned to touch-type with a cloth over your hands in Year 8 - it was for this moment!
When you are in the boardroom hosting an online meeting and others are scattered throughout the office to ensure physical distancing this is a great opportunity to check their workstations, sneakily concealing your thirst for micromanagement. I did not know she was a triathlete! Seven kids - wowsers! Is that my coffee mug?
Online meetings are not an opportunity to critique your appearance. Yes - you have put on weight, it is winter. Yes - your hair is grey and yes - you are going bald.
When lunch is called do not close the Zoom or Teams platform. You never know your colleagues may even say something nice about you if they do not think you are online.
Readers - for all these advancements in technology there is something quite artificial about the online meeting process. Body language and nuance are lost, and second guessing is far more regular than it should be.
And do not even attempt humour.
The room may be engaged in guffaws or even bursts of laughter but those at their desks or at home often miss the quip and feel left out as a result. Yet for all the changes that COVID has demanded online drinks remain the most utterly ridiculous fandangoed thingamajig of all.
The whole purpose of afterwork drinks is to relax and engage with colleagues on a social level. Just sitting there watching others consume beverages on a monitor is even worse than watching Big Brother!
I would rather go home or stay at home and drink alone rather than staring at colleagues who are trying their best to fake engagement. Although, I should check myself because I have no desire to be 'President of the Grumpy &%$#@!'* Club'.